


skies grew darker, currents swept you out again, and you were just gone and gone

by merlypops



Series: 5SOS Song Oneshots [3]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Death, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Hospitals, I'm Sorry, Loss, M/M, Moving On, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-28
Updated: 2015-03-28
Packaged: 2018-03-20 03:02:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3634209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlypops/pseuds/merlypops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Ashton was the gentle breeze and the cry of the birds and the warmth of the setting sun on the other side of the planet.<br/>Ashton was the sun and the moon and all of the stars... and Luke was just <b>Luke</b>.'</p><p>
  <b>Ashton is gone and Luke tries to carry on.</b>
</p><p>Based on "This Love" by Taylor Swift.</p>
            </blockquote>





	skies grew darker, currents swept you out again, and you were just gone and gone

**Author's Note:**

> This fic happened because I watched The Fault In Our Stars for the first time ever today.  
> Sorry. *sobbing*

Ashton died on a Wednesday morning.

It was just before ten o'clock.

The heart monitor was silent and the sky outside was a soft blue.

Luke's heart was aching.

The doctors had given him ten minutes alone with Ash before they came to take his body away.

Ashton didn't have anyone else.

Neither did Luke now.

Was that selfish to think?

Luke felt like maybe it was.

He was wearing one of Ashton's shirts today actually, the blue plaid one with the fraying sleeves and a button missing.

Ashton had been wearing it on the third time they met, bumping into each other and dropping shopping bags all over the floor.

Ashton's eyes had shone like hazel glass then but they were pressed stubbornly shut now.

His hands weren't warm anymore but, to be honest, they hadn't been warm for a long, _long_ time.

Something about oxygenation in the blood. Luke didn't know the ins and outs of it.

He just knew that Ashton's palm stopped feeling warm when their fingers entwined.

Ashton's eyes got darker as the weeks trickled through their fingers like grains of sand in an hourglass.

His movements became slower and his eyes became sunken, and even then he had tried to convince Luke that he was okay, that the cancer wasn't mutating inside him, that his body wasn't slowly killing him.

Luke tried to believe him too - he drove Ashton to the beach and they made out in the back of their car and they took long walks on Ashton's good days.

Luke stopped believing that Ashton was going to be alright on a Sunday evening, when everything worsened quickly.

They'd had a lovely day on Saturday.

One last good day.

Luke had helped Ashton into his wheelchair and they'd gone to their favourite café in town.

Ashton had stolen the glacé cherry from Luke's slice of cheesecake, just like he'd done on their very first date.

Rain had battered the windowpanes and jazz music had been playing softly in the background.

Ashton's eyes had held a faint sparkle and his stubble had been rough against Luke's fingertips as he cupped the older man's face gently, drawing him in for a kiss.

Luke wanted to kiss Ashton now and he tried too, tried ducking his head and brushing his lips against the older man's knuckles but they were too cold and it made Luke's mouth tingle.

There were five minutes left before Ashton was going to get taken away.

Luke thought of him lying in the morgue briefly, cold and lifeless on a slab, and Luke wondered if Ashton would be _frightened_ before he remembered that he wasn't there anymore.

Luke was the one left alone in the cold now.

He didn't have Ashton's bright optimism and positivity to light the way anymore. It would be a dark and dreary existence, Luke knew, and he briefly entertained thoughts of following Ashton, only... the older man would never forgive Luke for that.

Luke _knew_ he wouldn't because they'd talked about this.

"You need to keep walking, Lu. You need to feel the sun on your skin for both of us. You're so strong. I know you'll be okay."

That was what Ashton had said.

(Luke tried not to think about how he had broken down in tears then because Ashton _wouldn't_ be okay; he'd never be okay ever again.)

Luke could hardly bear to think about that now, couldn't stand to remember Ashton's familiar low voice and the comforting rumble of his words as Luke's cheek rested gently on the older man's warm chest.

"Promise me, Lu. You have to _promise_ me you'll be okay. You have to finish your music course and talk to your dad again and fall in love."

" _Fuck_ , Ash! You c-can't just ask me to -"

" _Promise_ me, Lu!"

That had been on Sunday morning, when they were still lying in bed and Ashton's words were muffled by his oxygen mask.

"Fine," Luke had said at last, his voice heavy as he held Ashton's hands securely beneath the sheets. "I promise."

Luke wished he hadn't made that promise now, gazing down at the empty body that had once been the love of his life.

That was _still_ the love of his life.

Luke wondered where Ashton was now.

He didn't have time to ponder though. He didn't even have time to _cry_ because his sobs were lodged like tumours in his throat, _choking_ him.

The door was opening and the doctor - the same one who had announced Ashton dead while Luke stared through the glass panel in the door with horror written all across his features, although that had faded to shock now - had returned to the room.

"Mr. Hemmings," the man said softly and his grey eyes were kind. "It's time."

Luke felt a pang in his chest and the words had escaped him before he could control them.

"It's n-not Hemmings. It's _Irwin_ ," Luke whispered and his voice was shaking like Ashton's hands had done all the time during his last few weeks, because he got so _cold_. "It's Mr. Irwin."

The man's gaze was sympathetic but Luke didn't hate it.

He didn't think he could _feel_ enough to hate yet - he couldn't feel enough for hatred or anger or anguish.

There was only shock and grief now, and a sense of loss so immense and crushing that every single thing Luke had lost in Ashton made itself apparent.

Luke _definitely_ felt as though he was being selfish now but he couldn't find it in himself to be ashamed.

He'd read once that funerals were for the living rather than the dead, and this situation felt similar.

Ashton was gone from the hospital room now, thousands of miles away from where he'd spent his last days.

Ashton was the gentle breeze and the cry of the birds and the warmth of the setting sun on the other side of the planet.

Ashton was the sun and the moon and all of the stars... and Luke was just **Luke**.

That was the way it had always been though and the blond man drew comfort from that now.

When the doctor extended a hand towards the door, Luke pressed his lips to Ashton's cool knuckles one more time before he left the room without looking back.

His mouth was still tingling.

*

When Luke wandered into their favourite café five hours later with an ashen face and rain mingling with the tears on his cheeks, he felt the life burning in his heart, but like there was too _much_ of it almost, like Ashton's love was in there too maybe.

When Luke picked the glacé cherry off his cheesecake and chewed it unthinkingly, a watery smile touched his lips and the fork fell onto the table with a clatter as Luke dropped his head into his hands.

"Hello, stranger," Luke remembered Ashton murmuring the way he had done on their very first date, because he hadn't seen the younger man since school.

Luke could feel Ashton's fingers in his hair almost, and on his cheeks, stroking and caressing as he kissed the blond man softly.

Luke opened his reddened tear-wet eyes and smiled like his heart _wasn't_ broken in his chest.

"Hey, Ash."

**Author's Note:**

> If you don't hate me, you could let me know what you thought maybe <3


End file.
